My husband cheating on me

He did not, but I had a very vivid dream last night that we were at a class in an auditorium and he went to sit by this girl and they were holding hands. When I approached them, they just acted like I was the crazy one and the girl said she knew he was married, but for whatever reason he did not tell her we have a 3 month old baby... I wasn't happy at all- I broke her hand.
It was very weird, but so real. Luckily, my husband let me tell him about this when we woke up. I said "I guess it made me even more upset that you would cheat on me and not tell her about our baby, I would think that since we have a baby, you wouldn't cheat on me." he said "I wouldn't cheat on you even when we didn't have a baby."
Weird dream... He also suggested thinking of things I want to dream about before I go to sleep "that's always helped me"... I will try. I hate it when your dreams are so real that you wake up crying or angry... weird.

I wanted to post something interesting...

I guess one thing today that was interesting... I was visiting with a few Residents and one was talking about how in the last 30 years or so, she was still going to a church that had the men sit on one side and the women and children on the other. Also she had a women's parlor and a separate men's parlor in her house.
Makes you wonder what we are doing now that we will look back and say "Wow, I can't believe we did that" because for them, it was just what you did...
Interesting I guess.

How does this make you feel?

I guess it's new engineering to free float like this in space and this guy was the furthest out any one had ever been.
Kinda freaks me out really. I love space/astronomy and all, but I think I would feel more comfortable scuba diving... which is odd really.. in comparison, you would think that would seem more scary... completely surrounded...  and afraid of drowning... hmmm... I guess it scares me to imagine floating away in complete space, no one around to see you go or help you even if they did see you... I feel like I'm on the verge of a deep and personal revelation here... probably also relates to me wanting to hang on to things/have control. This dude looks completely helpless and again, no one could do anything for him if he just drifted away... sad really...

Baby weight

It's sad... I might permanently be this size or more... I don't have time to eat (and when I do, not properly), I don't have time to exercise... When I get this figured out I will post a very happy blog about how I conquered my challenges and shed these pounds.

Potting soil

Why can you not use soil from the plain old garden? I found myself wondering this as I looked out upon our mass amount of healthy vegetation.... and weeds... ok, so I might have to pull out some weeds... but I could do that. Yep, so I run out quick (very quick, baby is sleeping and I can't have my face in the sun) scoop up some dirt. Thinking proudly- "I'm so smart, who would spend money for potting soil?" I get inside to clean up the few weeds I acquired with my dirt and notice why you need potting soil - bugs! There had to be millions in that dish! All different kinds too. Not a huge fan of bugs really and I'm not dumb enough to keep them in my house. (maybe dumb enough to think that garden soil could be potting soil)
Needless to say, there's a nice pile of dirt just outside our back steps, if anyone is looking for some soil for planting an outdoor plant...

first day at daycare

I lived :)
She came home happy & all body parts appear to be remaining intact. :)
I think we will be ok. Of course I would rather be at home with her myself, but I think it will be (and it will have to be) alright.
I am a huge crab though.... HUGE. And what's worse is that I am acting like (and tend to really feel like) I am entitled. I don't have much interest in trying to not be a crab because I am using all of my efforts to hold on to my life/sanity/emotional state/happiness/etc. with my bloody fingernails. It has been strongly encouraged by my better half (seriously... I don't know why he puts up with me most of the time...) that I should go to a family shendig this weekend. I'm a crab about that. (Imagine a grumpy old man in the corner, no teeth, "humph", "bah-hum-bug", arms crossed, "I'm not movin' and you ain't gonna make me!" very grumpy.) Plus, if I do go, it has been strongly encouraged that I go on a bike ride. (I love riding my bike, although I haven't done it in about a year due to pregnancy and post preg.) However, grumpy old man mode is kicking in here. The question was posed "do you want to go on a bike ride?" (envision happy and excited, encouraging husband) to which I replied (all crabby) "No"... that's it... later I tried to explain my current state and struggle to hold on and make it through one hour, let alone one day... and I am in no place to think I am going to go about making happy plans for my weekend.
Revisiting the subject of "Adding another med"- continue to envision grumpy old man mode "Nope. You ain't gonna make me. I am entitled to act and feel the way I do and I have yet to hear a good argument that states otherwise." I feel bad if I am making life miserable for my husband. I do. Really. Honestly. But, deep down I think it is essential to our future well-being that I work through this. That we work through this. I don't feel like seeing someone (psychology/therapy wise) right now either because I feel like they won't have any more advice for me then what I can give myself. I don't feel like breaking down about all of this. I can't change the fact that Baby E has to go to daycare and I have to be the crappy excuse for a mother who will drop her off 4/5 days a week. All I can change is my view of it, my attitude, and try to forgive myself (honestly, she needs health insurance, probably college someday all too soon, a nice house [not in the ghetto]... what else am I supposed to do?) It's going to take time. I am sorry if choosing to not seek help is making me a worse person... in addition the aforementioned reasons - I don't have time. My problem is that I have to work so that I can provide for my family. When I am released from work- I want to go home and be with my family. I will get through this. I will keep you posted.
Bear in mind that I am typically open-minded, fun, loving, caring, responsible, supportive, proactive, etc. I also enjoy my work so that helps. I don't think it's wrong for me to be upset (at this time) for my reality.
I have also come to the conclusion that I love my work because I love being with and helping people. And it just sucks MAJORLY that I cannot be with and help my own child......... I think this is normal... again I have yet to hear a good argument (with supportive evidence) that this is not normal. Also, I am the type of person who does not like things sugar coated. If you, or someone you know, would like to help me see this in a different light... feel free to enlighten me. Until then, I will journal/blog, pray, and persevere.... and probably resemble a grumpy old man at times... I always treat them like they have a good reason- that is their reality and I respect that. I just try to help in whatever way I can.

No Mo Moley Moley

No Mo

I was advised by a general surgeon to have 2 facial moles removed. The main one is seen here. I have had this mole "beauty mark" all of my life. I have dealt with many many people who have given me strange looks. Old people who say "why don't you get that thing removed!". A doctor I went to see for the first time about strep-throat said "you should have that removed, it really detracts from your beauty." Kids have said "is that a lady bug on your face?" And the most outrageous was a complete stranger in Long John Silvers who said "what is that on your face? You should really have it removed!! My brother had something like that and had it removed because he thought it was cancerous." In nearly every one of these (and many more) situations, I have kindly told people that I have been to see a dermatologist about it in the past and she said it was not of concern. However, in the picture on the left you can see it's more brown and was smaller. However, during my pregnancy (because of hormones) it changed (bigger and more red on the right). The general surgeon that I went to said that it was time to have it removed because it would just continue to change and could cause problems. So I went through a bit of a grieving process and made it very clear that I have never been interested in removing it for cosmetic reasons (I learned very quickly to not care what other people thought or said to me about it.) They put me under and I woke up a bit loopy, but (knock on wood, send many prayers) I am not puking up my guts (that's what happened the last time I was put under.) And now we are on track to see how it heals. I am interested to see how it turns out and pray that I don't have a huge scar. The one thing I already worry about - all of my wedding pictures, family pictures, important times up to this point have me with this beauty mark. It will be strange to not have it any more.
I may post more pics in the future...

wave of nausea and with dark cloud descent

i saw a post on facebook (right on the front page, i wasn't even looking into it.) from a friend remembering a child's life cut short. of course it had a picture with a baby (with bruising?) the dark cloud descended and the nausea rolled in. things like this make everything come back in vivid color. to think that people intentionally hurt children... it has to be one of the worst crimes of all. it's all so horrible... even to think that there are those people out there. it makes me sick.
Then I remind myself- in my line of work, I cannot put myself in the place of everyone who is losing or has recently lost a spouse, parent, family member, or friend. There will come a time when I will have to experience those thing. It does me no good whatsoever to put myself there. That is not my pain or grief (When we a Resident passes away, I may experience my own loss, but it's detrimental when I think "what if I lost C?" "what if I lost E?")
In these cases I have to remind myself- "that is not me. It's not my family. Those people will have to face their own Time of Judgment. I can only do my part. We will raise a happy, healthy child and do our best to be wonderful parents. That is who I am, that is what I can control. I cannot control the unhappiness of the world, I can only do my part to make it a better place."

To Pacify or Not to Pacify?

Pacify? Why?
She does not suck her thumb, nope- "why suck one thumb when I have 4 fingers instead?" She seems content to do this, however I have noticed (since she was born) that she does like to suck- sometimes she would pretend she was eating, but she just wants to suck and she does this with her bottle too when she's done eating. Again, she is happy to suck on her fingers, but I keep wondering if it would be less slobbery and more relaxing for her to try a pacifier? I hate the name even... but maybe it's alright?
Thoughts?

Lunch Prayer

Dear God,
Thank you for this tuna and cheese (sandwich)
Bless us and our family please.

another trip to the hospital (for work)

I had to take another Resident to the hospital. I was not near the emergency room so I thought it would be better, however I saw the nurse from the ER from the day of the accident and I saw the social worker from that day too. The nurse smiled at me and I think she knew who I was. The social worker came up and spoke to me, asked how things are going and said that she had been thinking of us a lot since that day. I gave her an update of all that has transpired since our Baby left their hospital on the helicopter. She was very concerned and sincerely interested and I appreciated that. She asked how my mom is doing and I said she is doing alright, but is still having a hard time. She said "oh, is there a lot of tension between the two of you?" I said no, that we are getting along very well, she is just really hard on herself. I said, the good thing about being in the hospital for 6 days is that we all had the chance to show her that we don't hate her, even if she isn't quite ready to accept that. Again, it's interesting that all of these strangers think I should be irate with my mom- it's just not happening... I don't have an ounce of anger toward her. Accidents happen. I don't think my in-laws or even my husband are mad at her. I've been think a lot about how easily it could happen to anyone. I remember reading an article in a Parents magazine about a lady who turned away for a minute and her baby fell off the changing table. I am starting to think I should submit our story, not only to remind people to be careful, but also to share how we have all come through this together. Apparently, that's not really heard of. The more I think about it all, the more I think others may have had similar situations or could have it happen to them if they aren't aware of what all can happen and I think we would have a lot to share.

daycare update

So on Thursday we had a meeting with Daycare again. (I may have mentioned, she was supposed to start daycare 2 weeks ago, but they were too worried about her condition to take her- when we went to visit two weeks ago we went over to the infant room and of course this cute little girl toddles right over to a sleeping baby and wacks her on the head a few times! Needless to say that was not reassuring that our Baby with skull fractures would be safe.) During all of this the Director of the daycare has been very honest and realistic. The most recent development is this- Next week is practically the busiest week of the year due to starting new after summer/Holiday. Plus 2 of their main people in the infant room will be gone. The Director ended up sharing with us that the Dr. told her that Baby's skull fractures can be felt by touching her head (I was not aware of this and it does nothing to reassure me that this is "going to heal and her head is almost like a normal baby's skull due to the typically gaps") but apparently they are now saying that it should heal in 4-8 weeks... we have to have a follow up with neuro-surgery to make sure everything is progressing as it should. At any rate, we will not be starting Baby at daycare next week. We will work out opposite work schedules (between my husband and I, one of us is at work 5:30a-10:30p) and my sister will come to help again next Friday. Then the following week we are planning to try daycare Mon, Wed and Fri. I am not too confident about being able to handle that... I can tell that I say "we are going to take her to daycare" but in my mind I don't think I have accepted it really... I guess we will see.

Twenty Ten?

Pondering...
Will we say Twenty ten or Two Thousand Ten? We say Nineteen Ten. When we refer back we say Eighteen Hundred's. Will we say Twenty Hundred's or Two Thousands or just the Twenty First Century?

Hello September, the good, the bad, the ugly

I should be eating supper while Baby sleeps instead of thought-processing, but this seems more important.
I had to take a Resident to get labs and x-rays at the hospital in town today. (I have decided that I am adding badges to my badge that specify my various roles- including, but not limited to "Reserve Transportation Specialist") This trip lead me to hyperventilation (when I returned to the vehicle alone.) The lab and xray are basically part of the emergency room and it brought back everything from our recent visit. I tried to work through this and am blessed that I have a mother-in-law that is a social worker who just happened to be able to answer my call. In the end, I do not believe that it is right or fair or even comprehendable that I will most likely have to send our Baby to a day care center instead of being home with her- what's more, I will mostly like have to see a doc and take meds in order to carry on with working. Again, I must reitterate that I really like my job... I would just rather be at home. Plus, the recent hospital events have not lead me to be very confident that leaving her is the right choice.
Thank you to my sister-in-law for helping me see some of the good- It made my day that my baby keeps trying to buzz her lips at me and her daddy. We think she believes this is an essential form of communication and she tries very very hard to do it... still makes me giggle. :D
I hear her waking up... tortilla chips for supper are good enough right?