New Year's Resolution- "pre-test" (the heart of the blog is at the end)

After being a Mega B... last week, I decided that for 2010 I would truly try to make one of my resolutions be this: If I think I will come off as a Mega B... (typically toward my husband, who is generally trying to be nice) then I should hold my tongue.
Today was a true test. Here are the circumstances:
1) Berk Family Christmas - one can generally guarantee 10-50 people at a Berk Family get together. I like people, at least I think I do, but it's times like these that I start to feel the walls closing in.
2) Hubs, who checked the road conditions every day this weekend when we didn't have any where to go- did not check the road conditions today.
3) Hubs decided to take the back Hwy to save miles instead of the more traveled Hwy.
4) Said back Hwy was snow packed/ice covered with blowing snow.

I don't think I have to elaborate... let's just say, I did better then one might expect. We made it to our location with semi-limited snide remarks from me. And I only bit off 2 heads upon arrival (one saw us walk half-way in the door and said I will hold the baby, to which I said NO, you will not hold the baby. I will. The other said about five minutes after our arrival- your baby is too little to not be taking naps. I gave her a seriously evil glare and said "She is FINE." plus she wasn't listening. We didn't say that she doesn't take naps... she does... and she really does well... What ev's! I don't mind some advice, but when someone blatantly tells you that you are doing something wrong and they don't know you or your situation- they can shove off!

Now to the real heart of this blog... We let stupid things, like the things sited in this blog get the best of us. We let other things control our lives and we worry about everything from bills, to work, to weather, to relationships, to dust on the back of the TV (ok, not so much of that). And we lose site of the most important things. All of our blessings. As I sit here and reflect I realize that I am lucky to have someone telling me how to raise my baby... when I have 2 close friends who just had that opportunity wrenched from them. Why do I have to reflect in order to see that? Why can't I think that in the moment? Maybe my New Year's Resolution will be this: When something upsets me, take a deep breath, smile and come back to it later. (that will be a challenge, but what is a Resolution that isn't a challenge?) When something pleases me, take a deep breath, really enjoy the moment, say a prayer of thanks and remember it later. (For example, something as simple as this: I started to cry while reflecting on this... my nose started to run, I stood up to get a kleenex and found one in my pocket (a clean one)) We are blessed in so many ways. I really could go on and on... and maybe I should start my list, but I think I have started to realize that even the things that we think are not blessings, really can be, when we look at them from another person's perspective...

For 2010, I will breathe.

I heard about this Christmas Tree Skirt idea..

When I looked for more information I found this blog about the Handprints Christmas Tree Skirt idea. Turns out to be a pretty funny explanation of the whole process. I think I will learn from her- get the felt, the acrylic paint, pinking sheers and call it good!! (I didn't read any more of her blog, but it could be interesting.) I wish I had more time to blog. Or at least more time to read blogs. Life is funny- it's just a matter of how you look at it all.


http://yourneighborhoodlibrarian.blogspot.com/2007/12/if-you-strike-me-down-i-shall-become.html

Realization...

I don't like thinking about having more kids because I feel like I'm just saying "Baby E, you were fun, but I want a new baby"... that probably doesn't make sense, but it just seems like I don't care about her if we tried to have another baby. I think I have fuzzy logic here... anyone have some guidance??

Ten year class reunion to catch up- BUT

"We don't really want kids there"
Hmmm... isn't the reason for "catching up" to share your life as it is now?!?! Nope, not with my idiotic classmates. "10 Year! Let's do it up right!!!" (aka- time to get completely Trashed!)
I'm just disgusted!! I was hoping they had grown up a little.
One of my "friends from HS" actually said "well, maybe our 15 year reunion could be about kids. But not our 10 year." What a dumb mentality! Yes, more of us (that do not die from Alcohol poisoning in the mean time) might have kids, but some will be 15, some will be 10, some will be 5, some will be babies... DUH!!
I was a little excited about getting together to see how everyone has grown... now I'm just as happy to forget it.
One of my guy friends from High School said he would love to see me and my family even if the 10 year is just a night thing without kids. "maybe we could get together just us for lunch on Sunday" Hmmm.... if you really cared about all of that- you would have been involved in my life more over the last 9 years (he was good for about 1 year, then he got too busy "doing it up right".) Can anyone say "awkward"!!
What ev's!!!
I'm out!

An update via: A letter from me to a colleague in Music Therapy

An update from my life- I was offered the 20 hrs. at WHC, but really couldn't afford to make the switch. As much as I would love to- hubs works in a non-profit which is really "non-income". Same basically goes for me, but it's a little better then his anyway. We are pretty fruggle people already so there wasn't really any room to cut back, unless we moved, but it would cost us nearly 2000 just to get out of our current house, then whatever down on a new house (which is at least 15%) these days. We didn't really want to raise E at RPDr apartments- so, at least for now, I have accepted that I like my job. It's better then having our main source of income (mine) from 2 (or more) programs that have no gaurentees, or working at Wal-mart (and my month working at Target proves I do not have the mental stamina to survive the Holidays in retail)... They did offer the position at WHC again at 32 hours, but I still couldn't make it work. I really thought it would be great to get back into the thick of things in Music Therapy, especially working with you and M. But I realize, my job will never be perfect, and at least where I am at, I have a bit more flexibility to be home when I need to, stability, more income (only because it is 40 hrs vs. 32) and have more benefits that have built up from being there for 2+ years. I also look at the most important things in life and realize my job is not my life. There are much more important things. And those people and aspects of my life beneift most if I stay put for now.

I apologize to you. I really did want to get back into everything. I hope you are not disappointed in me.

As much as I really love Music Therapy. I could not make a choice to get back into it when I knew it would be mostly selfish and would not benefit my family as much as my current position.

~me

just a quick thought...

It amazes me how people who are in positions of leadership like to throw their weight around. Give them the smallest 'issue' and they will find a way to manipulate the situation so that it's a big ball of mixed up mess. Then they 'fix' things and try to look like the Heroine... Of course if things go wrong- they act like they had nothing to do with it. This particular mess developed when I was gone from work on Wednesday. Since I am the 'new kid on the block' I felt like a tiny kid in an elevator full of big butt people trying to squish me in their direction. All the while saying "you can do whatever you want, I support you"... only for me to find out that really means "do it my way, or I throw you off the bus!" ... hmmm.... buses again. I have a friend and past co-worker who will see my concern with bus senarios... why do some people insist on getting people on their 'bus' when it's destination sign clearly reads "One Way- to Hell (in a Handbasket)" ?

"OOORrrreeeeOOOO OctoooBer"

Ha! :)
Check out Hoops and YoYo website
http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/article|10001|10051|/HallmarkSite/hoops_yoyohome/HOOPS_YOYO_HOME_PAGE?landingPage=hoopsandyoyo&hostName=www.hoopsandyoyo.com

sorting through thoughts

Do you think we truly always see "the grass that's greener on the other side"?
I thought I had the job thing settled- then I spoke to a local colleague who suggested that I supplement with PT work either at my current job site doing music therapy or contract/private practice music therapy...
I am sincerely concerned that I will have these opportunities to change jobs every 2-3 years and never feel quite settled... Everyone can easily point out and see the positive in a job that you are considering. However, at the same time, you see the negative in your own job and that just makes it all that much more confusing...
I could do a pros vs cons list- The thing is: It's not as easy as the number of items, it's the weight of the items that matter.
The harsh reality?? - I am wired to try to be perfect. I will always see what I am doing wrong and what I could be doing better. I get excited about change because I can't see the challenges that await. Maybe, upon realizing my 'wiring', I need to work at prioritizing each and every day. I need to have faith that these things will work out......

Work 20 hrs/week AND get benefits!!!

There is a position for a music therapist at the hospital in town- I could work 20 hrs/week (thus, staying home with Baby E for that extra 20/wk) and still have benefits/insurance for the family... Problem???? How does a couple (who are already very thrifty) live with 30% less income? (even included the daycare differential...)
Yah- it sounded great, but I'm beginning to see that I am yet another example of a victim of the "Golden Handcuffs"...
It's still sad- the only way I could stay home with our baby would be for us to live on rice (donated to us) and my husband would probably have to get a job that he hated.... Sometimes I think it's very tough being a grown up and looking at the whole picture.
In the long run, I think we will all be happier in our current scenario: I like my job (which is somewhat flexible/family friendly), my husband likes his job (which is pretty flexible/family friendly), baby E only has to go to daycare for 6 hrs/day (also flexible/family friendly - as we only pay for the time she is there), our house/job/daycare are all in the same town, we don't have to live on rice...
On the bright side- I did not stress about this for several weeks only to find out it wouldn't work. I pulled out my computer savy skills, crunched some numbers, even considered government programs, and found out that our reality really isn't that bad... Let's face it folks- Nothing is perfect... and we really are truly blessed.

"You don't go to work to make friends"

My darn supervisor was obviously upset that I called in today. She doesn't have kids and is pretty self-centered... I realize it is her responsibility to make sure things are covered when people are gone so she would be disappointed that I am gone today. However, I work from home and don't get paid or credit for it. I am going in tonight to make up time. And through all of our recent trials, my husband has worked his butt off so that I could be at my job- so I haven't really missed any time other then while we were in the hospital! I would also like to note that I would never choose to have the struggles we have had... for that matter, I wouldn't wish them on anyone. So, the fact I can still make myself go to work - I think I am doing a great job. At the doc. today he asked how things are going... I pasted on my happy face and told him that I love my job (which I generally do)... I don't think he really believed it because he encouraged me to call if I ever have any concerns (I mentioned anxiety) - "do not hesitate, call me, diet and exercise help, but as with a diabetic, sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you can't just whip yourself into shape." He's a great doctor.

poor sick baby :(

I am home with a sick baby today, she is finally sleeping soundly, I did some cleaning and now I am taking a little break. She has had a lovely runny nose all week (pretty yellow and green too) and she hasn't been sleeping well. Waking up at 3 or 4 each morning this week, which is very out of the ordinary. Last night I noticed that when she wasn't eating (which has also decreased) she was crying like she is in pain... very sad. She hasn't been her smiley self. Today her temp was 100.6 so we stayed home and went to the doc. he said this is "Normal" we just need to help her feel better with Tylenol and watch for any persistence of a high temp or increase of other symptoms. Her temp did go down a bit (before Tylenol) and I am hoping a long nap will help her feel a little better. poor sick baby :(  

My real husband loves me- quirks and all...

He can see the value in the things that make me who I am. (reference his post http://commonguyblog.blogspot.com/2009/09/monday-tuesday-afternoon-fun-faces-new.html )
Once again, he inadvertently helped me improve my mood today - see his post and my response http://commonguyblog.blogspot.com/2009/09/thanks-hz-you-will-forever-be-part-of.html

My husband cheating on me

He did not, but I had a very vivid dream last night that we were at a class in an auditorium and he went to sit by this girl and they were holding hands. When I approached them, they just acted like I was the crazy one and the girl said she knew he was married, but for whatever reason he did not tell her we have a 3 month old baby... I wasn't happy at all- I broke her hand.
It was very weird, but so real. Luckily, my husband let me tell him about this when we woke up. I said "I guess it made me even more upset that you would cheat on me and not tell her about our baby, I would think that since we have a baby, you wouldn't cheat on me." he said "I wouldn't cheat on you even when we didn't have a baby."
Weird dream... He also suggested thinking of things I want to dream about before I go to sleep "that's always helped me"... I will try. I hate it when your dreams are so real that you wake up crying or angry... weird.

I wanted to post something interesting...

I guess one thing today that was interesting... I was visiting with a few Residents and one was talking about how in the last 30 years or so, she was still going to a church that had the men sit on one side and the women and children on the other. Also she had a women's parlor and a separate men's parlor in her house.
Makes you wonder what we are doing now that we will look back and say "Wow, I can't believe we did that" because for them, it was just what you did...
Interesting I guess.

How does this make you feel?

I guess it's new engineering to free float like this in space and this guy was the furthest out any one had ever been.
Kinda freaks me out really. I love space/astronomy and all, but I think I would feel more comfortable scuba diving... which is odd really.. in comparison, you would think that would seem more scary... completely surrounded...  and afraid of drowning... hmmm... I guess it scares me to imagine floating away in complete space, no one around to see you go or help you even if they did see you... I feel like I'm on the verge of a deep and personal revelation here... probably also relates to me wanting to hang on to things/have control. This dude looks completely helpless and again, no one could do anything for him if he just drifted away... sad really...

Baby weight

It's sad... I might permanently be this size or more... I don't have time to eat (and when I do, not properly), I don't have time to exercise... When I get this figured out I will post a very happy blog about how I conquered my challenges and shed these pounds.

Potting soil

Why can you not use soil from the plain old garden? I found myself wondering this as I looked out upon our mass amount of healthy vegetation.... and weeds... ok, so I might have to pull out some weeds... but I could do that. Yep, so I run out quick (very quick, baby is sleeping and I can't have my face in the sun) scoop up some dirt. Thinking proudly- "I'm so smart, who would spend money for potting soil?" I get inside to clean up the few weeds I acquired with my dirt and notice why you need potting soil - bugs! There had to be millions in that dish! All different kinds too. Not a huge fan of bugs really and I'm not dumb enough to keep them in my house. (maybe dumb enough to think that garden soil could be potting soil)
Needless to say, there's a nice pile of dirt just outside our back steps, if anyone is looking for some soil for planting an outdoor plant...

first day at daycare

I lived :)
She came home happy & all body parts appear to be remaining intact. :)
I think we will be ok. Of course I would rather be at home with her myself, but I think it will be (and it will have to be) alright.
I am a huge crab though.... HUGE. And what's worse is that I am acting like (and tend to really feel like) I am entitled. I don't have much interest in trying to not be a crab because I am using all of my efforts to hold on to my life/sanity/emotional state/happiness/etc. with my bloody fingernails. It has been strongly encouraged by my better half (seriously... I don't know why he puts up with me most of the time...) that I should go to a family shendig this weekend. I'm a crab about that. (Imagine a grumpy old man in the corner, no teeth, "humph", "bah-hum-bug", arms crossed, "I'm not movin' and you ain't gonna make me!" very grumpy.) Plus, if I do go, it has been strongly encouraged that I go on a bike ride. (I love riding my bike, although I haven't done it in about a year due to pregnancy and post preg.) However, grumpy old man mode is kicking in here. The question was posed "do you want to go on a bike ride?" (envision happy and excited, encouraging husband) to which I replied (all crabby) "No"... that's it... later I tried to explain my current state and struggle to hold on and make it through one hour, let alone one day... and I am in no place to think I am going to go about making happy plans for my weekend.
Revisiting the subject of "Adding another med"- continue to envision grumpy old man mode "Nope. You ain't gonna make me. I am entitled to act and feel the way I do and I have yet to hear a good argument that states otherwise." I feel bad if I am making life miserable for my husband. I do. Really. Honestly. But, deep down I think it is essential to our future well-being that I work through this. That we work through this. I don't feel like seeing someone (psychology/therapy wise) right now either because I feel like they won't have any more advice for me then what I can give myself. I don't feel like breaking down about all of this. I can't change the fact that Baby E has to go to daycare and I have to be the crappy excuse for a mother who will drop her off 4/5 days a week. All I can change is my view of it, my attitude, and try to forgive myself (honestly, she needs health insurance, probably college someday all too soon, a nice house [not in the ghetto]... what else am I supposed to do?) It's going to take time. I am sorry if choosing to not seek help is making me a worse person... in addition the aforementioned reasons - I don't have time. My problem is that I have to work so that I can provide for my family. When I am released from work- I want to go home and be with my family. I will get through this. I will keep you posted.
Bear in mind that I am typically open-minded, fun, loving, caring, responsible, supportive, proactive, etc. I also enjoy my work so that helps. I don't think it's wrong for me to be upset (at this time) for my reality.
I have also come to the conclusion that I love my work because I love being with and helping people. And it just sucks MAJORLY that I cannot be with and help my own child......... I think this is normal... again I have yet to hear a good argument (with supportive evidence) that this is not normal. Also, I am the type of person who does not like things sugar coated. If you, or someone you know, would like to help me see this in a different light... feel free to enlighten me. Until then, I will journal/blog, pray, and persevere.... and probably resemble a grumpy old man at times... I always treat them like they have a good reason- that is their reality and I respect that. I just try to help in whatever way I can.

No Mo Moley Moley

No Mo

I was advised by a general surgeon to have 2 facial moles removed. The main one is seen here. I have had this mole "beauty mark" all of my life. I have dealt with many many people who have given me strange looks. Old people who say "why don't you get that thing removed!". A doctor I went to see for the first time about strep-throat said "you should have that removed, it really detracts from your beauty." Kids have said "is that a lady bug on your face?" And the most outrageous was a complete stranger in Long John Silvers who said "what is that on your face? You should really have it removed!! My brother had something like that and had it removed because he thought it was cancerous." In nearly every one of these (and many more) situations, I have kindly told people that I have been to see a dermatologist about it in the past and she said it was not of concern. However, in the picture on the left you can see it's more brown and was smaller. However, during my pregnancy (because of hormones) it changed (bigger and more red on the right). The general surgeon that I went to said that it was time to have it removed because it would just continue to change and could cause problems. So I went through a bit of a grieving process and made it very clear that I have never been interested in removing it for cosmetic reasons (I learned very quickly to not care what other people thought or said to me about it.) They put me under and I woke up a bit loopy, but (knock on wood, send many prayers) I am not puking up my guts (that's what happened the last time I was put under.) And now we are on track to see how it heals. I am interested to see how it turns out and pray that I don't have a huge scar. The one thing I already worry about - all of my wedding pictures, family pictures, important times up to this point have me with this beauty mark. It will be strange to not have it any more.
I may post more pics in the future...

wave of nausea and with dark cloud descent

i saw a post on facebook (right on the front page, i wasn't even looking into it.) from a friend remembering a child's life cut short. of course it had a picture with a baby (with bruising?) the dark cloud descended and the nausea rolled in. things like this make everything come back in vivid color. to think that people intentionally hurt children... it has to be one of the worst crimes of all. it's all so horrible... even to think that there are those people out there. it makes me sick.
Then I remind myself- in my line of work, I cannot put myself in the place of everyone who is losing or has recently lost a spouse, parent, family member, or friend. There will come a time when I will have to experience those thing. It does me no good whatsoever to put myself there. That is not my pain or grief (When we a Resident passes away, I may experience my own loss, but it's detrimental when I think "what if I lost C?" "what if I lost E?")
In these cases I have to remind myself- "that is not me. It's not my family. Those people will have to face their own Time of Judgment. I can only do my part. We will raise a happy, healthy child and do our best to be wonderful parents. That is who I am, that is what I can control. I cannot control the unhappiness of the world, I can only do my part to make it a better place."

To Pacify or Not to Pacify?

Pacify? Why?
She does not suck her thumb, nope- "why suck one thumb when I have 4 fingers instead?" She seems content to do this, however I have noticed (since she was born) that she does like to suck- sometimes she would pretend she was eating, but she just wants to suck and she does this with her bottle too when she's done eating. Again, she is happy to suck on her fingers, but I keep wondering if it would be less slobbery and more relaxing for her to try a pacifier? I hate the name even... but maybe it's alright?
Thoughts?

Lunch Prayer

Dear God,
Thank you for this tuna and cheese (sandwich)
Bless us and our family please.

another trip to the hospital (for work)

I had to take another Resident to the hospital. I was not near the emergency room so I thought it would be better, however I saw the nurse from the ER from the day of the accident and I saw the social worker from that day too. The nurse smiled at me and I think she knew who I was. The social worker came up and spoke to me, asked how things are going and said that she had been thinking of us a lot since that day. I gave her an update of all that has transpired since our Baby left their hospital on the helicopter. She was very concerned and sincerely interested and I appreciated that. She asked how my mom is doing and I said she is doing alright, but is still having a hard time. She said "oh, is there a lot of tension between the two of you?" I said no, that we are getting along very well, she is just really hard on herself. I said, the good thing about being in the hospital for 6 days is that we all had the chance to show her that we don't hate her, even if she isn't quite ready to accept that. Again, it's interesting that all of these strangers think I should be irate with my mom- it's just not happening... I don't have an ounce of anger toward her. Accidents happen. I don't think my in-laws or even my husband are mad at her. I've been think a lot about how easily it could happen to anyone. I remember reading an article in a Parents magazine about a lady who turned away for a minute and her baby fell off the changing table. I am starting to think I should submit our story, not only to remind people to be careful, but also to share how we have all come through this together. Apparently, that's not really heard of. The more I think about it all, the more I think others may have had similar situations or could have it happen to them if they aren't aware of what all can happen and I think we would have a lot to share.

daycare update

So on Thursday we had a meeting with Daycare again. (I may have mentioned, she was supposed to start daycare 2 weeks ago, but they were too worried about her condition to take her- when we went to visit two weeks ago we went over to the infant room and of course this cute little girl toddles right over to a sleeping baby and wacks her on the head a few times! Needless to say that was not reassuring that our Baby with skull fractures would be safe.) During all of this the Director of the daycare has been very honest and realistic. The most recent development is this- Next week is practically the busiest week of the year due to starting new after summer/Holiday. Plus 2 of their main people in the infant room will be gone. The Director ended up sharing with us that the Dr. told her that Baby's skull fractures can be felt by touching her head (I was not aware of this and it does nothing to reassure me that this is "going to heal and her head is almost like a normal baby's skull due to the typically gaps") but apparently they are now saying that it should heal in 4-8 weeks... we have to have a follow up with neuro-surgery to make sure everything is progressing as it should. At any rate, we will not be starting Baby at daycare next week. We will work out opposite work schedules (between my husband and I, one of us is at work 5:30a-10:30p) and my sister will come to help again next Friday. Then the following week we are planning to try daycare Mon, Wed and Fri. I am not too confident about being able to handle that... I can tell that I say "we are going to take her to daycare" but in my mind I don't think I have accepted it really... I guess we will see.

Twenty Ten?

Pondering...
Will we say Twenty ten or Two Thousand Ten? We say Nineteen Ten. When we refer back we say Eighteen Hundred's. Will we say Twenty Hundred's or Two Thousands or just the Twenty First Century?

Hello September, the good, the bad, the ugly

I should be eating supper while Baby sleeps instead of thought-processing, but this seems more important.
I had to take a Resident to get labs and x-rays at the hospital in town today. (I have decided that I am adding badges to my badge that specify my various roles- including, but not limited to "Reserve Transportation Specialist") This trip lead me to hyperventilation (when I returned to the vehicle alone.) The lab and xray are basically part of the emergency room and it brought back everything from our recent visit. I tried to work through this and am blessed that I have a mother-in-law that is a social worker who just happened to be able to answer my call. In the end, I do not believe that it is right or fair or even comprehendable that I will most likely have to send our Baby to a day care center instead of being home with her- what's more, I will mostly like have to see a doc and take meds in order to carry on with working. Again, I must reitterate that I really like my job... I would just rather be at home. Plus, the recent hospital events have not lead me to be very confident that leaving her is the right choice.
Thank you to my sister-in-law for helping me see some of the good- It made my day that my baby keeps trying to buzz her lips at me and her daddy. We think she believes this is an essential form of communication and she tries very very hard to do it... still makes me giggle. :D
I hear her waking up... tortilla chips for supper are good enough right?

Supper Prayer

"Come Lord Jesus, be our guest. You're the big 'Cahuana'- I love this Tuna!" (Tuna melt sandwiches. Prayer by hubsy bos)

Epiphany

(I wrote this on 8/23- wanted to enter some of the events leading to this and then enter this. I have since been talking with my mom and, day by day, we are all healing...)
Instead of calling this a breakdown, meltdown, etc. I shall refer to it as an Epiphany. (Sometimes looking at things from a new perspective can make a world of difference. It also helps to try to not be so negative toward myself and these life occurrences.)
I had a realization today that lead to me crying in the shower. I thought about our shower head and lack of water due to built up lime. I remembered talking to my mom about this and how she had suggested using vinegar. She made this suggestion while we were shopping in Wal-Mart (nearly 2 weeks ago) I remembered shopping in Target and all of the other fun things we had done during that time she was here (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and 1/2 of Wednesday) Including these trips and her cooking and her taking pictures of her fun times with Baby. Then I remembered Wednesday afternoon and was upset that our world has changed so dramatically in a very short amount of time. It doesn't seem fair that unfortunate things happen to good people. I called my mom and spoke to her to once again remind her that I love her and we all love her and I hope that she can come and spend some time again soon.

To My Fans

Thanks for the Comments and Encouragement!! Sorry I haven't been in touch, I apparently do not have my settings properly set-up... I thought, "hmmm, I wonder if I have any comments" What a great surprise to see that I do!! Thank you so much :)

Tests, Scans, DHS and police (part 2)

In the night a doctor came to our room and told us that we would most likely go home the next day by noon, but they would do another scan in the morning. The next day they did another CT scan and we asked about the skeletal scan we were told in the emergency room that they were required to do. No one knew much about that (and all day we kept reminding people that we were told this scan was protocol.) They ended up doing these scans, but apparently "the real expert" was not involved. Every time someone had come to our room with a white lab coat, we figured they knew what they were talking about. Turns out "the real expert" was on medical leave and did not return until day 6 of our stay at the hospital. In the mean time, They did more scans and tests and at one point thought she had 3 skull fractures and 1 leg fracture. (it ended up that those were misread scans- horrible experience in itself. And she has 2 skull fractures one from ear to top on left side and one from ear almost to top on right side.) DHS got involved and brought a cop to interrogate us 1:1 for suspected child abuse. The cop was not nice to me at all (he thought I would say that I didn't believe my mom and that she had been abusive.) I did not doubt my mom and have not been upset with her- I guess that's weird, but my best analogy is that it's almost like a tornado- a horrible event that could have happened to any one of us at any given time that we were not able to control. At any rate, we were in the hospital for 6 days trying to get answers and finally the "real specialist" returned from being on medical leave, declared that Baby was fine and we were innocent and we were released. It really was horrible. There were a couple of good things- #1 Baby is doing well (I guess this happens more often then people think) she is happy and healthy. #2 my husband, my mom, my dad, his mom, his dad and his sister and I were all in the hospital together during this time and we really grew closer. I think it was really good for my mom because she was (and still is) tearing herself apart and thought we should all hate her forever, but none of us do so that was amazing and a true blessing. Baby then spent the rest of week 11 at our house with my mother-in-law. This week we were supposed to take her to day care, but they (and frankly, I) did not feel comfortable taking her just yet and we will meet to reevaluate in another week. So my husband and I are a working opposite hours to be home with her.
That's really been my life lately... but again, nothing could be better then the fact that she is Happy, Healthy and Home.

The Fall (part 1)

My mom and our Baby had an unfortunate occurrence. My mom was working in our kitchen (while she was here with Baby for a week) and went to move her from the counter where she was sitting in a chair. She lost grip of the chair and Baby fell to the floor. I was phoned at work (out of a meeting- so I knew it was not good) my mom said "Don't panic, but come to the hospital- Baby is ok. I'm sorry) so I don't do "don't panic" and luckily one of my co-workers was right there. She rushed me over the hospital.  While at the emergency room the swelling of her head continued. The doctor decided to do a CT scan and found a fracture. They decided to fly her to a specialty hospital where they had Pediatric Neurosurgery. Before she could go she had to have an IV. They tried 7 or 8 times before it finally worked. Initially I went to the other room, but in the end I could no longer listen to her painful cries. I am a music therapist. There is a lot of research that shows how music therapy can help soothe babies and lower blood pressure. I stroked her little head and sang to her. She did calm down and they were finally able to get the IV in. It was horrible to watch the helicopter leave (they don't have any room for parents) and then to drive down. When she arrived there they continued to monitor for any changes, looked at the initial CT scan and decided to continue to monitor through the night and rescan in the morning. My mom, dad, mother in-law, father in-law and sister in-law all came to the hospital and ended up staying in a lounge that night. My mom was certain everyone would hate her- to her surprise none of us hated her and still do not. I think everyone has said and realizes that it could have happened to any of us.

Future

"Do not fear the future, for it doesn't exist and it never shall"

Supper Prayers

You may have heard "God is great, God is good and we thank Him for our food" or "Come Lord Jesus be our guest, let these gifts to us be blessed"
Some families also do the songs "Johnny Appleseed", etc.
Some families say their own prayers.
My husband's family used some of the standard prayers and my family said our own prayers. Therefore, neither one of us have ever felt fully comfortable with the other's tradition.
In an attempt to make prayers at supper time original, but without pressure. My husband randomly started making up his own (typically centered around the meal)
Tonight I made up the prayer:
"Come Lord Jesus, join us now. Bless our family and bless this Cow" (we had french dip sandwiches) :D

"Big Red Chair"

This chair has been around for at least 15 years. It has brought much joy to many. Currently our little girl (11 weeks old) loves to sit in this chair. She has been enjoying this set up for at least 1/2 of her life. Once in The Big Red Chair she will stop crying immediately and loves to oversee the assembly of her meals.
We all need a space that makes the world seem like a better place.

A little backround

I wanted to start a blog during my pregnancy to track things that I would most likely forget. I kept a written journal, but never really got the blog going. Now I want to get this going as an outlet. I have depression. I take medication and do well most of the time. Recently, I became overwhelmed by many life situations and realized that I need to do a few more things to help manage my thoughts and overall well being or I tend to have a lot of problems. I am hoping this blog will help me work through a few things and serve as an ongoing record of the things I have accomplished rather then believing that I am drowning in the sea of unhappiness.

Two old ladies laughing in the pouring rain

We went on an outing yesterday. All of the sudden the clouds rolled in and before we could get back on the bus the sky opened up and in less then a minute we were drenched. These two ladies had just gotten their hair done that morning and you would expect them to be irate, but nope- they just laughed and laughed, looked at themselves and each other and laughed some more.