Weaving

My life is but a weaving Between the Lord and me; I may not choose the colors–He knows what they should be.

For He can view the pattern Upon the upper side While I can see it only On this, the under side.

Sometimes He weaves in sorrow, Which seems so strange to me; But I will trust His judgment And work on faithfully.

‘Tis He who fills the shuttle, And He knows what is best; So I shall weave in earnest, And leave to Him the rest.

Not ’til the loom is silent And the shuttles cease to fly Shall God unroll the canvas And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needed In the Weaver’s skillful hand As the threads of gold and silver In the pattern He has planned.

~ Benjamin Malachi Franklin

Update, 2/9/2012: At the time this post was published, we were not aware of the author of The Master Weaver’s Plan. Since that time we have received information that the author was Benjamin Malachi Franklin 1882-1965. He wrote the poem in the late forties. It was first published in ‘The Memphis Commercial Appeal’ newspaper in 1950, per his grandson Bob Corley.

Maybe?

Maybe I will give this a try again

Wal-Mart Greeting...

Walmart Greeting Lady: You looked depressed
Me: ...  nope- just tired my daughter has been very sick lately (hence my 9 pm Wal-Mart run)
My thoughts: Are you kidding me? Did you learn that in 'Greetings 101' seriously! Isn't that part of being a Wal-Mart Greeter- to know how to properly greet people to try to brighten their day? What if I was depressed- would that greeting help me? Nope not depressed. Tired? Flabbergasted? yes. Cranky- probably a touch. Depressed- nope, but thank you for your kind and caring nature Wal-Mart lady.

New Year's Resolution- "pre-test" (the heart of the blog is at the end)

After being a Mega B... last week, I decided that for 2010 I would truly try to make one of my resolutions be this: If I think I will come off as a Mega B... (typically toward my husband, who is generally trying to be nice) then I should hold my tongue.
Today was a true test. Here are the circumstances:
1) Berk Family Christmas - one can generally guarantee 10-50 people at a Berk Family get together. I like people, at least I think I do, but it's times like these that I start to feel the walls closing in.
2) Hubs, who checked the road conditions every day this weekend when we didn't have any where to go- did not check the road conditions today.
3) Hubs decided to take the back Hwy to save miles instead of the more traveled Hwy.
4) Said back Hwy was snow packed/ice covered with blowing snow.

I don't think I have to elaborate... let's just say, I did better then one might expect. We made it to our location with semi-limited snide remarks from me. And I only bit off 2 heads upon arrival (one saw us walk half-way in the door and said I will hold the baby, to which I said NO, you will not hold the baby. I will. The other said about five minutes after our arrival- your baby is too little to not be taking naps. I gave her a seriously evil glare and said "She is FINE." plus she wasn't listening. We didn't say that she doesn't take naps... she does... and she really does well... What ev's! I don't mind some advice, but when someone blatantly tells you that you are doing something wrong and they don't know you or your situation- they can shove off!

Now to the real heart of this blog... We let stupid things, like the things sited in this blog get the best of us. We let other things control our lives and we worry about everything from bills, to work, to weather, to relationships, to dust on the back of the TV (ok, not so much of that). And we lose site of the most important things. All of our blessings. As I sit here and reflect I realize that I am lucky to have someone telling me how to raise my baby... when I have 2 close friends who just had that opportunity wrenched from them. Why do I have to reflect in order to see that? Why can't I think that in the moment? Maybe my New Year's Resolution will be this: When something upsets me, take a deep breath, smile and come back to it later. (that will be a challenge, but what is a Resolution that isn't a challenge?) When something pleases me, take a deep breath, really enjoy the moment, say a prayer of thanks and remember it later. (For example, something as simple as this: I started to cry while reflecting on this... my nose started to run, I stood up to get a kleenex and found one in my pocket (a clean one)) We are blessed in so many ways. I really could go on and on... and maybe I should start my list, but I think I have started to realize that even the things that we think are not blessings, really can be, when we look at them from another person's perspective...

For 2010, I will breathe.

I heard about this Christmas Tree Skirt idea..

When I looked for more information I found this blog about the Handprints Christmas Tree Skirt idea. Turns out to be a pretty funny explanation of the whole process. I think I will learn from her- get the felt, the acrylic paint, pinking sheers and call it good!! (I didn't read any more of her blog, but it could be interesting.) I wish I had more time to blog. Or at least more time to read blogs. Life is funny- it's just a matter of how you look at it all.


http://yourneighborhoodlibrarian.blogspot.com/2007/12/if-you-strike-me-down-i-shall-become.html

Realization...

I don't like thinking about having more kids because I feel like I'm just saying "Baby E, you were fun, but I want a new baby"... that probably doesn't make sense, but it just seems like I don't care about her if we tried to have another baby. I think I have fuzzy logic here... anyone have some guidance??

Ten year class reunion to catch up- BUT

"We don't really want kids there"
Hmmm... isn't the reason for "catching up" to share your life as it is now?!?! Nope, not with my idiotic classmates. "10 Year! Let's do it up right!!!" (aka- time to get completely Trashed!)
I'm just disgusted!! I was hoping they had grown up a little.
One of my "friends from HS" actually said "well, maybe our 15 year reunion could be about kids. But not our 10 year." What a dumb mentality! Yes, more of us (that do not die from Alcohol poisoning in the mean time) might have kids, but some will be 15, some will be 10, some will be 5, some will be babies... DUH!!
I was a little excited about getting together to see how everyone has grown... now I'm just as happy to forget it.
One of my guy friends from High School said he would love to see me and my family even if the 10 year is just a night thing without kids. "maybe we could get together just us for lunch on Sunday" Hmmm.... if you really cared about all of that- you would have been involved in my life more over the last 9 years (he was good for about 1 year, then he got too busy "doing it up right".) Can anyone say "awkward"!!
What ev's!!!
I'm out!

An update via: A letter from me to a colleague in Music Therapy

An update from my life- I was offered the 20 hrs. at WHC, but really couldn't afford to make the switch. As much as I would love to- hubs works in a non-profit which is really "non-income". Same basically goes for me, but it's a little better then his anyway. We are pretty fruggle people already so there wasn't really any room to cut back, unless we moved, but it would cost us nearly 2000 just to get out of our current house, then whatever down on a new house (which is at least 15%) these days. We didn't really want to raise E at RPDr apartments- so, at least for now, I have accepted that I like my job. It's better then having our main source of income (mine) from 2 (or more) programs that have no gaurentees, or working at Wal-mart (and my month working at Target proves I do not have the mental stamina to survive the Holidays in retail)... They did offer the position at WHC again at 32 hours, but I still couldn't make it work. I really thought it would be great to get back into the thick of things in Music Therapy, especially working with you and M. But I realize, my job will never be perfect, and at least where I am at, I have a bit more flexibility to be home when I need to, stability, more income (only because it is 40 hrs vs. 32) and have more benefits that have built up from being there for 2+ years. I also look at the most important things in life and realize my job is not my life. There are much more important things. And those people and aspects of my life beneift most if I stay put for now.

I apologize to you. I really did want to get back into everything. I hope you are not disappointed in me.

As much as I really love Music Therapy. I could not make a choice to get back into it when I knew it would be mostly selfish and would not benefit my family as much as my current position.

~me

just a quick thought...

It amazes me how people who are in positions of leadership like to throw their weight around. Give them the smallest 'issue' and they will find a way to manipulate the situation so that it's a big ball of mixed up mess. Then they 'fix' things and try to look like the Heroine... Of course if things go wrong- they act like they had nothing to do with it. This particular mess developed when I was gone from work on Wednesday. Since I am the 'new kid on the block' I felt like a tiny kid in an elevator full of big butt people trying to squish me in their direction. All the while saying "you can do whatever you want, I support you"... only for me to find out that really means "do it my way, or I throw you off the bus!" ... hmmm.... buses again. I have a friend and past co-worker who will see my concern with bus senarios... why do some people insist on getting people on their 'bus' when it's destination sign clearly reads "One Way- to Hell (in a Handbasket)" ?

"OOORrrreeeeOOOO OctoooBer"

Ha! :)
Check out Hoops and YoYo website
http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/article|10001|10051|/HallmarkSite/hoops_yoyohome/HOOPS_YOYO_HOME_PAGE?landingPage=hoopsandyoyo&hostName=www.hoopsandyoyo.com

sorting through thoughts

Do you think we truly always see "the grass that's greener on the other side"?
I thought I had the job thing settled- then I spoke to a local colleague who suggested that I supplement with PT work either at my current job site doing music therapy or contract/private practice music therapy...
I am sincerely concerned that I will have these opportunities to change jobs every 2-3 years and never feel quite settled... Everyone can easily point out and see the positive in a job that you are considering. However, at the same time, you see the negative in your own job and that just makes it all that much more confusing...
I could do a pros vs cons list- The thing is: It's not as easy as the number of items, it's the weight of the items that matter.
The harsh reality?? - I am wired to try to be perfect. I will always see what I am doing wrong and what I could be doing better. I get excited about change because I can't see the challenges that await. Maybe, upon realizing my 'wiring', I need to work at prioritizing each and every day. I need to have faith that these things will work out......

Work 20 hrs/week AND get benefits!!!

There is a position for a music therapist at the hospital in town- I could work 20 hrs/week (thus, staying home with Baby E for that extra 20/wk) and still have benefits/insurance for the family... Problem???? How does a couple (who are already very thrifty) live with 30% less income? (even included the daycare differential...)
Yah- it sounded great, but I'm beginning to see that I am yet another example of a victim of the "Golden Handcuffs"...
It's still sad- the only way I could stay home with our baby would be for us to live on rice (donated to us) and my husband would probably have to get a job that he hated.... Sometimes I think it's very tough being a grown up and looking at the whole picture.
In the long run, I think we will all be happier in our current scenario: I like my job (which is somewhat flexible/family friendly), my husband likes his job (which is pretty flexible/family friendly), baby E only has to go to daycare for 6 hrs/day (also flexible/family friendly - as we only pay for the time she is there), our house/job/daycare are all in the same town, we don't have to live on rice...
On the bright side- I did not stress about this for several weeks only to find out it wouldn't work. I pulled out my computer savy skills, crunched some numbers, even considered government programs, and found out that our reality really isn't that bad... Let's face it folks- Nothing is perfect... and we really are truly blessed.

"You don't go to work to make friends"

My darn supervisor was obviously upset that I called in today. She doesn't have kids and is pretty self-centered... I realize it is her responsibility to make sure things are covered when people are gone so she would be disappointed that I am gone today. However, I work from home and don't get paid or credit for it. I am going in tonight to make up time. And through all of our recent trials, my husband has worked his butt off so that I could be at my job- so I haven't really missed any time other then while we were in the hospital! I would also like to note that I would never choose to have the struggles we have had... for that matter, I wouldn't wish them on anyone. So, the fact I can still make myself go to work - I think I am doing a great job. At the doc. today he asked how things are going... I pasted on my happy face and told him that I love my job (which I generally do)... I don't think he really believed it because he encouraged me to call if I ever have any concerns (I mentioned anxiety) - "do not hesitate, call me, diet and exercise help, but as with a diabetic, sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you can't just whip yourself into shape." He's a great doctor.

poor sick baby :(

I am home with a sick baby today, she is finally sleeping soundly, I did some cleaning and now I am taking a little break. She has had a lovely runny nose all week (pretty yellow and green too) and she hasn't been sleeping well. Waking up at 3 or 4 each morning this week, which is very out of the ordinary. Last night I noticed that when she wasn't eating (which has also decreased) she was crying like she is in pain... very sad. She hasn't been her smiley self. Today her temp was 100.6 so we stayed home and went to the doc. he said this is "Normal" we just need to help her feel better with Tylenol and watch for any persistence of a high temp or increase of other symptoms. Her temp did go down a bit (before Tylenol) and I am hoping a long nap will help her feel a little better. poor sick baby :(  

My real husband loves me- quirks and all...

He can see the value in the things that make me who I am. (reference his post http://commonguyblog.blogspot.com/2009/09/monday-tuesday-afternoon-fun-faces-new.html )
Once again, he inadvertently helped me improve my mood today - see his post and my response http://commonguyblog.blogspot.com/2009/09/thanks-hz-you-will-forever-be-part-of.html

My husband cheating on me

He did not, but I had a very vivid dream last night that we were at a class in an auditorium and he went to sit by this girl and they were holding hands. When I approached them, they just acted like I was the crazy one and the girl said she knew he was married, but for whatever reason he did not tell her we have a 3 month old baby... I wasn't happy at all- I broke her hand.
It was very weird, but so real. Luckily, my husband let me tell him about this when we woke up. I said "I guess it made me even more upset that you would cheat on me and not tell her about our baby, I would think that since we have a baby, you wouldn't cheat on me." he said "I wouldn't cheat on you even when we didn't have a baby."
Weird dream... He also suggested thinking of things I want to dream about before I go to sleep "that's always helped me"... I will try. I hate it when your dreams are so real that you wake up crying or angry... weird.

I wanted to post something interesting...

I guess one thing today that was interesting... I was visiting with a few Residents and one was talking about how in the last 30 years or so, she was still going to a church that had the men sit on one side and the women and children on the other. Also she had a women's parlor and a separate men's parlor in her house.
Makes you wonder what we are doing now that we will look back and say "Wow, I can't believe we did that" because for them, it was just what you did...
Interesting I guess.

How does this make you feel?

I guess it's new engineering to free float like this in space and this guy was the furthest out any one had ever been.
Kinda freaks me out really. I love space/astronomy and all, but I think I would feel more comfortable scuba diving... which is odd really.. in comparison, you would think that would seem more scary... completely surrounded...  and afraid of drowning... hmmm... I guess it scares me to imagine floating away in complete space, no one around to see you go or help you even if they did see you... I feel like I'm on the verge of a deep and personal revelation here... probably also relates to me wanting to hang on to things/have control. This dude looks completely helpless and again, no one could do anything for him if he just drifted away... sad really...

Baby weight

It's sad... I might permanently be this size or more... I don't have time to eat (and when I do, not properly), I don't have time to exercise... When I get this figured out I will post a very happy blog about how I conquered my challenges and shed these pounds.

Potting soil

Why can you not use soil from the plain old garden? I found myself wondering this as I looked out upon our mass amount of healthy vegetation.... and weeds... ok, so I might have to pull out some weeds... but I could do that. Yep, so I run out quick (very quick, baby is sleeping and I can't have my face in the sun) scoop up some dirt. Thinking proudly- "I'm so smart, who would spend money for potting soil?" I get inside to clean up the few weeds I acquired with my dirt and notice why you need potting soil - bugs! There had to be millions in that dish! All different kinds too. Not a huge fan of bugs really and I'm not dumb enough to keep them in my house. (maybe dumb enough to think that garden soil could be potting soil)
Needless to say, there's a nice pile of dirt just outside our back steps, if anyone is looking for some soil for planting an outdoor plant...