I lived :)
She came home happy & all body parts appear to be remaining intact. :)
I think we will be ok. Of course I would rather be at home with her myself, but I think it will be (and it will have to be) alright.
I am a huge crab though.... HUGE. And what's worse is that I am acting like (and tend to really feel like) I am entitled. I don't have much interest in trying to not be a crab because I am using all of my efforts to hold on to my life/sanity/emotional state/happiness/etc. with my bloody fingernails. It has been strongly encouraged by my better half (seriously... I don't know why he puts up with me most of the time...) that I should go to a family shendig this weekend. I'm a crab about that. (Imagine a grumpy old man in the corner, no teeth, "humph", "bah-hum-bug", arms crossed, "I'm not movin' and you ain't gonna make me!" very grumpy.) Plus, if I do go, it has been strongly encouraged that I go on a bike ride. (I love riding my bike, although I haven't done it in about a year due to pregnancy and post preg.) However, grumpy old man mode is kicking in here. The question was posed "do you want to go on a bike ride?" (envision happy and excited, encouraging husband) to which I replied (all crabby) "No"... that's it... later I tried to explain my current state and struggle to hold on and make it through one hour, let alone one day... and I am in no place to think I am going to go about making happy plans for my weekend.
Revisiting the subject of "Adding another med"- continue to envision grumpy old man mode "Nope. You ain't gonna make me. I am entitled to act and feel the way I do and I have yet to hear a good argument that states otherwise." I feel bad if I am making life miserable for my husband. I do. Really. Honestly. But, deep down I think it is essential to our future well-being that I work through this. That we work through this. I don't feel like seeing someone (psychology/therapy wise) right now either because I feel like they won't have any more advice for me then what I can give myself. I don't feel like breaking down about all of this. I can't change the fact that Baby E has to go to daycare and I have to be the crappy excuse for a mother who will drop her off 4/5 days a week. All I can change is my view of it, my attitude, and try to forgive myself (honestly, she needs health insurance, probably college someday all too soon, a nice house [not in the ghetto]... what else am I supposed to do?) It's going to take time. I am sorry if choosing to not seek help is making me a worse person... in addition the aforementioned reasons - I don't have time. My problem is that I have to work so that I can provide for my family. When I am released from work- I want to go home and be with my family. I will get through this. I will keep you posted.
Bear in mind that I am typically open-minded, fun, loving, caring, responsible, supportive, proactive, etc. I also enjoy my work so that helps. I don't think it's wrong for me to be upset (at this time) for my reality.
I have also come to the conclusion that I love my work because I love being with and helping people. And it just sucks MAJORLY that I cannot be with and help my own child......... I think this is normal... again I have yet to hear a good argument (with supportive evidence) that this is not normal. Also, I am the type of person who does not like things sugar coated. If you, or someone you know, would like to help me see this in a different light... feel free to enlighten me. Until then, I will journal/blog, pray, and persevere.... and probably resemble a grumpy old man at times... I always treat them like they have a good reason- that is their reality and I respect that. I just try to help in whatever way I can.
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You are completely correct. You have every right to feel the way you are feeling. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. WE will get through this and baby E will help us :). She is at a nice place that probably knows more about babies than we do. Though, I know you're thinking no one knows Baby E better than we do or no one loves her as much as we do - you are not a bad mother for taking her to daycare. You can take as long as you want to be crabby, as long as you take some time out of each day to find something to do that's fun. Hey, lets do a picnic tomorrow - if no where else - on our back porch overlooking our dead beans and corn. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is why I am truly blessed. Thank you for the support and understanding! :)
ReplyDeleteYAYYY for all 3 of you making it through the day. I KNEW you could! ...I have more thoughts on this post that I'll write when I have more time...
ReplyDeleteJust know these "feelings" won't last forever. ;)
As promised, I'm back... ;P
ReplyDelete1. Guess what?! You are NOT alone. As a matter of fact, you are in the MAJORiTY. :) What mother AND father WANTS to send their child to daycare rather than staying home with him or her? [...minus the ones ya hear about in the news of course] Baby E's "classmates" are all in the same boat...they have parents working hard to make $ for a GOOD living for the family & for their future...& I bet most of them are GREAT parents, like YOU!!! Your husband went to daycare & summer daycamp all summer - you married him cuz he's a good guy, right? LOL. So, in short, this feeling is natural & it doesn't make you a bad mother...
2. I hope the familiy "shindig" turned out to be BETTER than you anticipated...just like the last one! ;P Like with my anxiety, the initial thought of it & resistance is very difficult to get through, but more often than not, when the event is actually over, it turned out fine & better than expected...I lived. :) ...the more you get through these times with prior anxiety, the better you will feel BECAUSE you know the end result is GOOD.
3. "I don't feel like seeing someone (psychology/therapy wise) right now either because I feel like they won't have any more advice for me then what I can give myself. I don't feel like breaking down about all of this." --> I UNDERSTAND. But, TWiCE I have also learned that it is usually when I/anyone feels this way...like they DON'T need additional help, is when they actually DO. ...& that surprisingly when I say I'm gonna go into that office & not say anything, I talk the entire time & my original thought of "knowing everything that can help me already" is shot down. For the good. They HAVE made me think & HAVE had suggestions that HAVE helped! It's worth a try - you can always stop. ;) Also, the combination of my anti-depressant & anti-anxiety is GREAT. I switched kinds last winter after 3-4 years on the other & it was a good choice...you may need to try a new one. You don't deserve to feel miserable...
4. You ARE still "open-minded, fun, loving, caring, responsible, supportive, proactive, etc." The other kinds of feelings will fizzle over time, just be open to help outside the fam. I can honestly say it has played a big part in my healing...
5. I'm GLAD this blog writing is helping...keep it up!
I had FUN seeing you guys last weekend, LOVE YOU BUNCHES...HANG IN THERE! :)